


初雪

by xiyous (youxiaotu)



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: M/M, chapter 1 has no dialogues, i wish i never wrote this, is this angst!, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-10-07 07:04:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17361269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youxiaotu/pseuds/xiyous
Summary: to keep on loving.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so im here to remind everyone i write angst too ahhahahha  
> inspired by: 等待整个冬天 and zhangjun's first snow posts bc i like suffering ahhahaha
> 
> it's also my birthday soon, i'm actually turning twenty one what the hell,,, hopefully i would be posting something by then! i would actually do something like stickie's but i suck at following schedules so im nvm... yeah, hopefully zdj fic by the 27th!!
> 
> note: this thing isnt proofread and my capitalization is shit

two people sitting on the opposite sides of the bench by the road, barely able to see each other's faces even with the help of the warm street light due to the mask that covers more than half of their faces. it was a time just for the two of them- a date yet it felt like it was the complete opposite. their times together used to be filled with laughter, filled with hugs and stolen kisses. not needing to hide from anyone, not needing to be careful from the people who could be watching them.

it was all his fault since he let this happen. it was him who first went distant and cold. he didn't know that not wanting to disappoint everybody else meant that everything would turn around completely. that he can't have both. yanjun wanted to hold him badly, it's been a long time since he was able to run his fingers through his skin, or even just wrap an arm around his shoulder.

he steals another glance at zhangjing who's right at the opposite of the bench. watching as he taps his finger on the bench, watching the cars pass by right in front of them. the ring he gifted the other a few months ago shining under the light. he remembers how happy they were back then, when zhangjing's tears were of happiness, not out of frustration or anger due to one of their many arguments.

yanjun wanted to come closer and hug him tight, assure him that it will be okay but he knows doing that wouldn't change anything. it wouldn't change the fact that zhangjing thinks that he's selfish, that all he wants is for himself because why can't he give them one more try before he pretends like there was nothing happening between them?

white snow starts falling down from the sky, they look up at the same time. yanjun remembers how they both promised to see the first snow this year when he told the other about the belief that if they witness it together, they'd be right beside each other for a long time.

their eyes finally meet after trying to avoid each other's the whole time.

crying will make him look weak or seem affected that was why he kept telling himself that he has to be strong, that he shouldn't cry because he knows that this was the end of it, that they wouldn't be the same ever again.

zhangjing wanted to hate yanjun, hit him, call him selfish but he knew what the other wanted all too well because he wanted the same.

except it was different, zhangjing wanted the both of them to do it together- to reach their dreams holding hands but yanjun wanted to reach his all alone.

it was the end for the both of them. he knew it could possibly happen someday but he didn't know that it would be too soon. he wanted to do so much more with him. he wanted to hold his hands tighter, kiss him longer.

he wanted to stay with him forever.

perhaps he’s already used all his luck debuting at ninth place that everything else after that has slowly turned sour for him and yanjun or maybe he was never in any of yanjun’s plans at all.

he shouldn’t cry, he really shouldn’t but it’s starting to get harder and harder the longer he stays because yanjun was right there and he wanted to tell him so much. wanted to punch his face, wanted to beg him, wanted to ask for one more chance, please because he loves him so much and he can’t bear to let go of him.

taking one last glance at the man he loves the most and at the ring he gave him along with a promise to love him forever, he makes one last wish.

when yanjun finally has the courage to speak, to ask him back, zhangjing was already gone. only the ring he gave him placed on where he sat was there.

he wishes that they both meet paths once again in the future. maybe then he wouldn’t be too late to tell him the words he wants to tell him right now.

zhangjing tries his best not to look back because yanjun might be right behind him and see the tears that were starting to fall on his cheeks. his ring finger feels foreign now that he took the ring off. he was unwilling, but he hopes that yanjun would be happy with his choice.

he wishes that yanjun would be happy in the future, with or without him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everything i wanted to happen.  
> this is supposedly an installation of xjw/小酒窝  
> except, i don't really feel like writing it.  
> sry guys ive been on true emo hours ;n;

"the view is beautiful." yanjun comments in awe. he doesn't notice zhangjing smiling fondly at him when he agrees. "indeed it is. more beautiful than it was the last time i saw it."

it has been two and a half months since he last saw him. since he has last heard his voice. maybe it was an excuse when he called him and asked if he could come along with him.

he missed him a lot.

neither of them spoke the following moments. zhangjing sat on the sand, the tides hitting the shore a background music as he watches yanjun admire the sky turning a gradient of pink and purple.

watching the sunset with yanjun is one of the many things he wanted to do back when they were together. zhangjing didn't know that it would end up this way- that they both would be looking at different views.

that he would be feeling pain and regret as he watches yanjun gasp in awe. he wished that he begged, that he held onto him. that he clinged on him tight and assured him that it would be okay.

he wished-

"you've been here before?" when yanjun turns to ask him.

zhangjing forces out a smile. "yeah. i went here two months ago." he says weakly, he smiles wider in hopes that it would help hide the sadness in his voice as he spoke. "i sent the group chat pictures, remember?" he adds softly, biting on his lower lip as he looked down.

it's been two months and yanjun should have moved on from the habit that is you zhangjing yet he can't forget about him. can't forget the first snow from last year. zhangjing's glassy eyes looking back at him as the first batch of snow fell down from the sky.

two months should have been enough.

right?

his hand clutches at his necklace, pressing the ring that is- was- zhangjing's against his chest. the thoughts of zhangjing going with somebody else before bringing him fill his mind. he wanted to ask him but he hesitates on it, settling on taking a seat beside him instead, watching zhangjing as he drew patterns on the sand.

"you must have had fun." and he immediately regrets his words when zhangjing lets out a deep sigh. he wanted to hold zhangjing, wanted to tell him he'd be there, that he's sorry he never listened to him whenever he says he wanted to fix it- this- them.

yanjun inches closer but he was too scared, he didn't want to hurt zhangjing more than he already did. "i'm sorry." that was all that he could say.

sorry for hurting you, for giving you a hard time, for leaving you alone.

for not trying.

zhangjing wishes that he'd wrap his arms around him and hold him tight but he felt disappointed when yanjun hesitates and retreats.

"it's not your fault." he smiles. it was his, all his fault for being too much. for asking for too much. for yanjun's time, yanjun's presence. zhangjing wished he didn't. he shouldn't have snapped at him each time he finds a fault in him, he shouldn't have hoped that yanjun would put him first. shouldn't have let him turn cold.

they could have still been together, could have still been full of laughter, zhangjing could have still been holding him.

and yanjun thinks the same. that it was his fault for following everyone else, for not trusting zhangjing, for not being strong enough for the both of them, for breaking his promise.

the promise that they'd make it through together.

most especially, for being a coward this whole time.

and it's his fault that zhangjing is crying right now. "it's my fault-"

"yanjun. please," zhangjing cuts him off, leaning over to grab the other's cheeks. "please don't say that. i really-"

"i'm so sorry. we- we could've been-"

"i'm sorry." zhangjing whispers, "i should have been more patient with you." he brushes a thumb over yanjun's cheek before pulling him into a hug. "i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry."

"i still love you, zhangjing." yanjun finally blurts out, wrapping his arms around Zhangjing and pulling him even closer. "i'm sorry, i-"

"stop apologizing," zhangjing pulls away, looking at him with a small frown on his face. "we'd fix this, right?"

nodding, yanjun reaches out to hold zhangjing's hand reassuringly. "we will."

-

the sun has set, only the lights from the nearby buildings and establishments illuminate their way. yanjun carries zhangjing on his back, the other holding his white shoes for him as he walks by the shore barefoot.

"i missed this." yanjun says, lips unconsciously tugging upwards when zhangjing wraps his arms tighter around his shoulders. "i missed being with you."

"and i missed you too."

"thank you for coming with me, yanjun." zhangjing whispers, "i missed you more."

they agreed to take it slow, that they will work it out together.

that this time, they'll fight for each other.

until then, the ring stays close to yanjun's chest.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on twt @youxiaotu! im tryna be active?? but actually i dont go on much but yeah do drop me a message or sth i like making friends ahhahah ;;


End file.
